So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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