you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
