mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
