I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Terrible idea I love it
Randomize
