I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
