He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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