This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
