I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
