I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
my poor anus
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
