she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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