he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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