Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
