hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Randomize
