I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
