Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
She announced her abortion via fbk
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
