Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
