i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
