Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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