My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
