I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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