Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize