i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
