What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
