"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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