someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
