Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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