I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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