I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
