dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
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