If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
