Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
