I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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