I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
The best revenge is premature balding
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize
