my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
So vagazzling was a success
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
