She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
