I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
