Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
