someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
