So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize