I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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