i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
