I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
