If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
