Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
