I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
