How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
