I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
