I wish I could teleport
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
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