I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
