I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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