So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
