if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
