Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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