As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
