Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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