I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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